I've spent a majority of my life hiding my feelings from my parents based on their religious beliefs about sexuality and gender. My real fear of opening up was an effort to save them from any unneeded stress and pain. My brother also suffered from a borderline mental illness which caused many problems within our family from his alcoholism. Today I tried to speak to them about how I've felt; mainly because I've had a hard time and want to overcome my past. It went nowhere and I ended up talking in circles. My youth has been filled with pain and I attempted to explain to them so that they would better understand me. All they kept repeating was that they already knew my pain and I'm "not saying anything we didn't already know." My father tried to control my life and mold me into the perfect son. Only I was interested and focused on everything feminine. I wanted dolls, sleepovers, and loved girl talk. I was sent to a therapist around 2nd grade and encouraged to act more manly and focus on male interests. Today they explained that they only had my best interest at heart. Yet, where do you draw the line between what someone wants to believe and what the real truth is? I'm sure a part of them were embarrassed over my behavior. I want to believe that they only sent me because they saw my sadness. Yet my aunt told me how she spoke with my former psychologist and said that my father had a clear idea of who he wanted me to be. He would tell my psychologist what he wanted me to be like and she encouraged that behavior. My mom said I was driving her nuts going over it with her. I feel so alone and that I have no one to talk to.

The Bible and Homosexuality

A blog I read recently was written by a christian man, who happens to be gay. He lead a very closeted life for years, became discreetly gay, and eventually came out. When he became openly gay, he was very promiscuous and was abusing alcohol. Apparently, one day after self-medicating for some time he had an epiphany. He decided that he wandered from God's graces and that's why he felt empty inside. He tried to fill all the voids with the wrong things, including his sexual appetite for the same sex. He went on to say that God helped him realize that being gay was wrong. So he decided to remove himself from his sinful ways. Now he posts blogs on Christian websites giving support to other gay people who don't want to be sinful anymore. He explains that he backslides into his old ways from time to time through pornography... But he's becoming stronger through God's graces.

In a recent post, he talked about how the word "gay" didn't define who he was. He explained how he wants to help people find Jesus through his testimonials. That after he shed his gay lifestyle he became much freer. Yet, I couldn't help but feel that he was enslaving himself by suppressing something that came natural to him. The reason I believe it came naturally was through previous blogs he wrote. So, I thought, it may bring him joy to quit fighting his negative self-talk and societal pressures regarding his sexuality. I mean who wouldn't find relief from avoiding all of the negative connotations associated with being gay. I'm sure he overheard straight men joking with their bro's about how something is "gay," or "no homo." Religious groups speaking out about how gays don't have a right to get married, and that they are an abomination or unnatural based on their interpretation of Bible verses. And lastly, stories of families that disown their children for being gay or who do not understand their lifestyle... That's a lot of pressure to conform to what is traditionally "normal," a.k.a. straight. So if you are strictly gay, it means living the rest of your life alone and chaste. Being chaste isn't so bad, but being alone must be horrible. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life fighting off something that comes as natural as breathing? What kind of quality of life can you enjoy, when you suppress your desire to love and be loved in return? Yes, people can confuse love with a sexual attraction and infatuation. But, who's to say homosexual love is any different that heterosexual? The only difference is the sex of the partner.

It's so frustrating to me growing up Christian to have those who are religious throw Biblical verses at me to defend their opinion about homosexuality being wrong. I'm in an active gay lifestyle, not necessarily sexually, but I am okay and accept my same sex attractions. I also happen to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. I talk with Him and pray to Him on a daily basis. I don't go to church anymore... However, my decision was based on the fact that followers try to take away gay people's rights, with their reasoning coming from verses that have been misinterpreted in the Bible for years. However, it wasn't until I read "What The Bible Really Says About Homosexuality," that I truly felt free to pursue my same sex attraction. There are other gay Christians out there who are just like me. Who want a real, loving relationship with someone of the same sex. It also helped me realize that I don't need to sever my relationship with God to be gay, but that I needed to sever mys relationship with the gay lifestyle. Unfortunately, I think a lot of those in the gay lifestyle feel angered toward God, when in reality they should be angry with the men who preached against them over the years... Yet not become bitter about those who chose to continue to practice their chosen faith or preach about it to followers.

Sodom and Gomorrah is a well known story in the Bible that is supposedly based upon the sin of homosexuality. In reality, the main issue of those verses are being inhospitable. In the culture of the time period inhospitality was a big no no. Plus it is in the old testament and the new testament wiped out any relevance of most verses in the old. So, if you look at the Bible rationally there are certain parts of it that are historical and others that are rules and guidelines to live your life by. Next are the verses in Leviticus... Yes, this is in the New Testament. But, was it about homosexuality or was it about idolatry? It was idolatry. Lastly, if Jesus thought homosexuality was an issue, wouldn't He want to address it?

Now, I recently read a posting on Dr. Laura's website. She's an orthodox jewish woman and stated that homosexuality is an abomination. A professor from the Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education at the University of Virginia's response to her comment is very appropriate to prove that some things in the Bible are to be looked at historically. Here is his response:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Maybe those in a position of power in the Christian faiths should really reconsider what the Bible is really saying. It's not a matter of refuting the Bible's truth but merely that it has been misinterpreted for years. But, maybe they're worried that if they say they've been wrong all these years... That a lot people might stop going to church? What do you think?

Possibility of Impasse

Eyes craving for attention wondering with apprehension

Lips quivering, hand shaking but is reaching out for a touch

Lingering for a moment the silence is deafening the moment getting intense

Anxiety building with a tightening gripping through the chest

Reaching what may be an impasse, barricading a heart or let it slowly rush in

Two puddles are forming between the creases of the openings to a soul

Lingering thoughts that are holding wondering whether or not to let go

The yearning heart says yes but the head repeatedly says no

Feeling the difference is a key to the lock that sets it free

The levees finally break leaving a blissful chaos in its wake

Years of holding back finally gives way to the brightness of a midsummer's day

Pulse pounding heavily blood pumping through the veins no more reason for restrain

Tears transforming into a joyous stream trickling down, finally a smile that was buried beneath the frown

A euphoric melody floating along this heart filled with an effervescent song

The mind and heart was never connected but with the two intertwined soul is affected

A bird released from a metallic cage free to fly and take center stage

The pain in their existence leading up to this moment almost frozen in time

Now only a fleeting thought of the memories filed in recesses of the mind

The Beginning

A young couple, Christine and Douglas, were married September of 1978. She was stunning, with golden brown hair and brown eyes, her petite figure framed with a beautifully crafted lace dress and veil. He was tall and handsome. His tailored suit freshly pressed, and his wavy brown hair combed perfectly. It was a breathtaking day, the sky was blue and multicolored leaves were falling from the trees. The future of this couple was uncertain but their love was strong.

A few years into their marriage they welcomed a beautiful baby boy in November of 1982. His name became Andrew, he had piercing blue eyes surrounded by long eyelashes. He was their bundle of joy but she still longed for another. The couple were excited when they learned they were expecting again in the fall of 1984. In mid-February of 1985 joy became worry when some complications arose. The baby had to come out very early, in fact, the due date was not until May. Their scared faces indicated that they were not sure the child was going to survive.

According to his mother he was born to large snowflakes fluttering down from the sky. It was in the early morning of February 15th. He weighed two pounds and ten ounces, and had to be placed in an incubator. He was so small that he extended from his father's wrist to his fingers. Christine wanted to call the baby Michael, however Douglas did not care for the name. Her sister Mary, who worked at the hospital where he was born, suggested Dane. They both decided that name fit him well. Although his mother adoringly called him her little "squeaker," since he could not yet cry.

Shortly after the birth Douglas' mother Margaret, who lived in Minnesota wanted to see Dane. She was suffering from lung cancer, and was a gentle but strong-willed woman, who was determined to see the baby. Margaret laid in the back seat of her husband's car until they arrived. Upon reaching their destination she had the privilege of giving Dane a middle name. She named him after his Swedish ancestry, Erik. Dane Erik made it through the first few months and was sent home to be with his family. Fortunately one life was saved through the miracle of science, and sadly another great life was extinguished. Margaret passed away shortly after in 1985.

About six months following his birth the family received devastating news. Dane was diagnosed with left ventricular valve disorder, a defect in which there is an extra valve, where too much blood pumps into his heart. He had to receive surgery because without help it would be fatal. The scared parents brought Dane to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. This disorder was so rare that a retired doctor had been the only one who performed the surgery. He came out of retirement in consideration of such a case. Christine and Douglas were sick with worry. As Christine explains it today, she did the only thing she could, which was continuously pray that Dane would live. She begged God to spare the life of her child. She prayed that she would devote her life to Him if Dane survived. As they were handing him off to the doctors she felt at ease, only because she felt Jesus' hands under hers. A few hours later Dane's surgery was a success! Thanks to the talented doctor, the prayers from his mother and family. He lived through the surgery but his parents still had reason to be concerned about his health. However so many obstacles were overcome. His life had just begun...