EXPRESS YOURSELF

I've spent a majority of my life hiding my feelings from my parents based on their religious beliefs about sexuality and gender. My real fear of opening up was an effort to save them from any unneeded stress and pain. My brother also suffered from a borderline mental illness which caused many problems within our family from his alcoholism. Today I tried to speak to them about how I've felt; mainly because I've had a hard time and want to overcome my past. It went nowhere and I ended up talking in circles. My youth has been filled with pain and I attempted to explain to them so that they would better understand me. All they kept repeating was that they already knew my pain and I'm "not saying anything we didn't already know." My father tried to control my life and mold me into the perfect son. Only I was interested and focused on everything feminine. I wanted dolls, sleepovers, and loved girl talk. I was sent to a therapist around 2nd grade and encouraged to act more manly and focus on male interests. Today they explained that they only had my best interest at heart. Yet, where do you draw the line between what someone wants to believe and what the real truth is? I'm sure a part of them were embarrassed over my behavior. I want to believe that they only sent me because they saw my sadness. Yet my aunt told me how she spoke with my former psychologist and said that my father had a clear idea of who he wanted me to be. He would tell my psychologist what he wanted me to be like and she encouraged that behavior. My mom said I was driving her nuts going over it with her. I feel so alone and that I have no one to talk to.